Year 2020: Year of Closure and New Beginnings

Yup. I decided to resign. I felt that, I will only be 28 once and at this age, I should have found my lifetime partner already. Getting pregnant should take highest priority as the uterus ages too. I never want to sound desperate but I think so far, this is the most courageous decision I ever made. It took me four years to let go of the place that haunt me and mold me. I feel that I'm a precious gem now. I know what I deserve,and  I don't have to beg it. If they will value me, then I move out. I am faithful. I know that God will lead me to the better place and to the better man. #keepraying

Just like money, I also budget my time. When I'm done with something I move on. Only emotions stick around. Parang amoy ng kusina, it gets into your skin. So my new year resolution is to have closure and new beginnings. Excited to find my one great love, I always imagine myself seeing a hot guy inside the plane or at the airport. But strangers aren't really attractive for me. I don't want to talk to random people also even if they are the ones starting the conversation. I guess, it's true, that love, the more you chase it the more it will elude you.

For the two most significant guy in my life, I hope I can talk to them but if not then I move on. I'm down to my last year of being a hopeless romantic. I messaged my one great love today asking how is he going to spend his Christmas and he said he has duty and he'll be just in the hospital in La Union. Then I also sent a message to my ex boyfriend but he did not respond yet. He's not into social media so I doubt if he will reply soon. If he's going to seenzone me, then I know the answer. This is my resolve, no matter how painful it is, I will no longer look back. My life is not going that way.

Yes, it is sad that the person you used to have late night talks with will now just reply to you with a thumbs up but time will come that you'll also get used to it. Time will also come that another person will also spend late hours with you because he is truly, madly, deeply in love with you and he will never let you go. He will come. Just pray.

Mother is right, when friends grow up, they drift apart and it's okay. Ang importante buhi.

Lastly, may your heart have enough rest, so when the right man comes, you have strong heart to fight.

You exam is set to sail baby. Mag-aral ka at mag-asawa na. 'Yong pwedi mong isama ha. Labyu self.

Have a marvelous New Year 2020

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My IELTS Journey

I have been really wanting to post this to document my fun filled IELTS journey because you know, I am not that proficient in English. I just love to speak and write what's inside my mind and I don't want to take serious accounts into grammar and punctuation. I believe that as long as the two individuals understand each other, that's communication and grammar is an irrelevant information. Unfortunately it is a different thing in the medical field. We have to save lives and wrong words might lead to wrong delivery of care. Hence, the IELTS test.

I never wanted to go to the UK because I felt that it is too cold there and too 'royal' that I would not enjoy the life there because I am just an ordinary girl. So now, I'm considering coming to the US which I am very much happy about because they require a low band score for their VISA screen which is something I believed I can achieve.


For people like me who are hesitant to take the leap of faith, I know why you don't want to take the test.
a. You are not confident.
b. You think that you're English is awkward, people laugh at you when you speak.
c. It's too expensive for you to fail, you need more time to prepare.

There are reasons why we are hesitant to take the test and I have the same reasons too. Probably, these are the things that you have to consider.

1. Where do you want to go and what is your target band score?
2. If you want to be a niner then you should know yourself and your own capacity to reach your target score. I am at the point in my life where I no longer aim for recognition. I had a lot of that when I was young and I feel that I don't need much of that anymore. Working while studying is difficult but I only have small amount of time to destress and spend time with my family, would I trade that to study in order to get a 9. No... If the company requires 7 then be it. Aim for seven and add some extra effort if you wish but don't sacrifice your time for band 9 and end up frustrated in the end.

When I got my scores, one of my friends seem not too convinced that she said IELTS lowered their standard. Paraphrasing what she said, to me it means that I didn't deserve to have those scores. She's so studios and I am not but it doesn't mean that I will flank. She doesn't know, I have aced a lot of exams in the past without preparing the way  I should. I owe all my success to the holy spirit. Sinasapian ako pag may exam at competition kaya gumagaling ako. It's a matter of faith and praying hard. And of course, I owe my success to my experiences as a student writer and college debater of the year. Sometimes, experiences are the best teachers. Kung iasa ko lang sa pag-aaral ko ng weekend hindi ako papasa sa tamad ko ba namang to. It pays to be hardworking pala habang bata ka pa. Kita mo yung speed ko sa pag-iisip ng concept sa pagsusulat at skill ko sa pagsasalita ay dala ko pa rin hanggang ngayon. Hindi ko lang maipagmayabang 'cos there are people here na mas mayabang pa kesa sa akin at ayaw nila malampasan. Stay grounded lang tayo guys, kung minamaliit man tayo, well success is the sweetest revenge.  In the end, we should choose what suits for us and works for us. Hayaan mo sila kung proud sila na nagka 8 sila total magkaiba naman and efforts natin. I'm grateful that I passed and I hope you too will pass. If you want to have some tips of how to pass the test I'll put the link here. I will make an entry for that.

After (2019) and College Love

Movie Poster

Here's my take on the 2019 movie,  After.

Well, this movie reminded me of my good old university days. I want to go back to college and fall in love again. For real.

I was in deep connection with a certain guy before, we were so close that I treated him as my best friend, someone that I can share my dreams onto. We realize that we have feelings for each other but then I was afraid that I might lose focus on my studies and end up pregnant because we're leaving under the same roof. I rejected the idea of being in a relationship with him which he also respected. I maintain my distance but still treated him as good friend. There were times that I feel I am hurting him because I ignore him in public and until now I feel guilty about it.

Fast forward to today, all my self-control paid off because I graduated with latin honor in college which he, my good friend considered to be something to be really proud of. He congratulated me and when he said it, I felt he was really happy and proud of me. Other than that, I also champed the intercollegiate parliamentary debate championship in my senior year which hailed me as one of the college debaters of the year.

We still get in touch from time to time with my good friend, pass the board exam individually, I mean we did not take the boards together because he transferred into another school and I finish college first but though he finished late he also passed the first time he took it 'cos he's just as smart like me you know. *wink

Time passed by and we opened to each other our dream of going to med school together but eventually I worked abroad and he proceeded to med school. He tried to convince but I decided not to come back because I don't want to drag my family into the financial crisis that I have to go to once I enter med school. So, after all the relationship that he had into and failed, I guess now, he finally found the one that he even implicitly told me once to get a boyfriend who could listen to my sentiments. We don't get in touch that much anymore.

He is also convinced that I am going to move into another country and live a good life there which he does not prefer for he believes that in the end OFWs will still come back home. If there are lessons that I learned from my past experiences that I recalled after watching the movie, it would be:

1. Being single gives you a lot of perks. It makes you free from complications and as we all know relationships are as stable as yo-yo so we shouldn't expect a lot when we're in it.I have achieved a lot of things when he wasn't with me. I owe it to the fact that I don't have to check if he agrees with my decision. But humans as we are we also need someone to talk and lean onto apart from our parents. Especially when we are in the university and away from our family and that's where intimacy comes in. Complications are fun too.

2. I didn't get into a relationship because I was afraid that if it will not work, I am going to lose my best friend and I never want that to happen. Time passed by and I lost him still. If I only knew that I am going to lose him anyway, I wish I have tried.

3. You are only young ones and it matters to feel in love when you are young 'cos you might never feel the same love again in your future years. Adults have more complicated lives and have more things to compromise.

4. If there's one thing that I regret, it is that I let my emotion overpower my intelligence. If I was only one pound stronger and wiser at that time , I could have taken my emotions to my own advantage. Whether the relationship will work or not I should have just prepare myself and grab the chance to be happy.

Tessa was so brave, she never let her broken heart break her and her studies. She was willing to take risks and brave enough and admit and say sorry for her mistakes.


I wish my friend will be able to read this, that I am sorry if I hurt him in anyway. I was very young at that time and pretty bad at handling my emotions. I want to blame him a bit too because honestly, I feel that he's not worthy to take risks for since he sweems to be unsure of his feelings. He doesn't  have balls. Awww, just defending myself there. But yeah, until now, I still miss him. I am going to miss him forever and I already accepted that fact. That I'm gonna miss him and nothing more.

I hope someday, I will find the one who is worth missing. I still pray for that day so I can come out from this horrible feeling of missing someone who's no longer into you. OUch. That would be all about the drama. Until here and please read my next blog. I hope to share to you stories of my SG adventure.

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Listen to Your Heart

Don't Listen to People who Ridicule A Choice You Make. 

Today, one of my supervisors told that I am good since I am only pushing an ultrasound machine. Upon going, another supervisor told me and my colleagues in the echo lab who are also nurses that our choice to transfer to another department from nursing is a lazy thing, we are registered nurses and so we should practice what we took an oath to. Coming home, I came into conclusion that, most of the people in the nursing office are thinking that we are lazy since we don't want to practice our profession. It's disheartening to hear from other people that you are lazy when you broken your back, legs and skull the whole day trying to figure out what's inside the patients heart. I didn't had enough time to argue and defend the choice I made. The thoughts of Jacqueline Schiff popped in my and I had peace. Why listen to those who have proven no name neither reputation in a royal skill of decision making.

Why echo?
I left my career in echo to practice my profession as a nurse because of the people who used to tell what my supervisors told me today. Being an emergency room nurse for almost three years gave me a lot of lesson in life which I am grateful of. But not all experiences are good and worth coming back. I love ER and nursing but there are things in it that didn't make me happy. Some supervisors don't have leadership skills and are bad in decision making, they always put their staff on the line who sometimes are more talented, knowledgeable and decisive that them who is in the position. They make use of the staffs' talent and take credits for themselves. What a shame. Doctors are dependent with the nurses even with encoding, assessment, history taking and diagnosis. I will become a nurse for my patient, for their family, for my colleagues who love and respect me and for the profession that I took an oath to. But not for those supervisors and doctors who are too shabby. In echo, I gain respect from the cardiologist, so why beg respect from the nurses who spent years in nursing with no advancement? I know where I stand, and I stand with my decisions. I cannot promise that I will not come back in nursing but I promise to be happy and let shallow those nurses envy me or hat me for whatever they like to think of me shouldn't matter.

Thoughts That Brought Me to be Where I am Today

Sharing this thoughts with you now that I am again challenged by the people who say that my decision was wrong.

Take These Thoughts With You On Your Journey Through Life

Don't ever forget that you are unique.
Be your best self and not an imitation of someone else.
Find your strengths
and use them in a positive way.
Don't listen to those 
who ridicule the choice you make.
Travel the road that you have chosen
and don't look back with regret.
You have to take chances
to make your dreams happen.
Remember that there is plenty of time
to travel another road-and-still another-
in your journey through life.
Take the time to find the route
that is right for you.
You will learn something valuable 
from every trip you take.
So don't be afraid to make mistakes.
Tell yourself that you're okay
just the way you are
Make friends who respect your true self.
Take time to be alone, too.
So you can know how terrific your own company can be.
Remember that being alone
doesn't always mean being lonely;
it can be a beautiful experience of finding your creativity,
your heartfelt feelings,
and the calm and quiet peace deep inside you.
Please don't ever forget that you are special
and very much loved.
-Jacqueline Schiff

These words were posted on the wall of high school library. Finding it was like finding a treasure that I copied it, kept in my noted all through my college years. Come 2019 and that notebook is still with full of words that motivated me to be where I am today.

Why do I keep these words with me? Growing up means meeting a lot of people along the way that will tell you what are the do's and don'ts' in life. Listening to them will influence your decisions and if your ground is not strong you will be shaken. May it be you siblings, friends or parent who will tell what choice to make, at the end of the day, it is still your life and life is what you make it.

My 2018 Story and Goals for 2019

When I started my career abroad, my new contract date served as my new year and not January 1 for  I was always away from home during holiday season. However, 2018 has been very good to me that I have to rejoice and thank God for it, hence this post.

Last November 8, 2018, I received a transfer letter from the nursing administrator that I will be transferred to the echo lab to be an echo technologist. Euphoria hit me, my brain scattered a bit that I only enthralled on the good side of for it is my dream job and it was the main reason why I accepted the offer in this hospital-- they have a heart center.

I was so happy I didn't have a second thought, never did I recall that the politics here is so rampant. To cut the story short, I got transferred without a proper goodbyes to my colleagues in the ED and to my supervisor who got disappointed with me and never talked to me in a month. I never wanted to burn bridges and I hope I did not. Deep inside I really want to leave but not that way, there was some sort of betrayal which put me in between. My only fault was that, I didn't lay down my conditions before I transferred. I should have been more logical and not emotional that time. My salary, job description and contract were  into compromise because I didn't manage to talk to my supervisor about it. Nonetheless, I pray that everything will fall in place just like before. If not maybe then I'd have the courage to take action.

The best reasons why this transfer was good for me.

1. I am working in place where I started. I am very outspoken that I know how to do echocardiogram because that was my job in the Philippines. And even though I have already talked to the medical director of the hospital and the heart center in the casual way, still I didn't get a transfer. Until, I wanted to resign and they badly needed a staff for echo. I was thinking it took me three years to get this job so  I should make the best out of it.

2. There is one doctor, a researcher also, that I believe graduated from the Harvard Medical School ( I googled it) who is working in this hospital and he is very passionate in teaching. As a passive learner, being able to work with him is a great opportunity and should motivate me.

3. The schedule is way better than I had with nursing. No shifting, no on calls, I am starting the day at 7:30am and end at 5:00pm, I still have time for tea and biscuits and some talks. We are all Filipinos there, we understand each other, the department is clean and doesn't smell. I'm doing a non-invasive procedure, not too exposed to blood and infectious diseases and I can focus to only one thing - ULTRASOUND. I have time to review for my exam, NCLEX, IELTS, PSE examination.

4. No need to review for CBAHI, no need to effort for board of nursing, no quality projects and no hardheaded watchers and annoying residents.

Things that are difficult for me.

1. I am still under nursing administration (ughhh)
2. I don't known if I will commit fully to this because they didn't tell to increase my salary. I guess I will only extend my contract for a year but I need to get my papers before I leave.
a. Recommendation letters from my former ER managers. Maám Sheila, Shesa, Ibrahim, At Jen
b. Recommendations from the doctors I work with in echo lab. Dr. Yahya, Dr. Hazem and Dr. Afridi.
3. Police papers

Before I renew my contract I should be able to:
1. Ask Mohsen if there's any chance that they will increase my salary.
2. Give me a certificate of training so I can take a certifying examination from my home country.

Before 2019 ends, I should be able to pass IELTS with band 7 score and finish my papers with NEAC for my NCLEX. Have a love life. It is also a priority but find someone you can bring with you wherever you want to go.

Everything will fall in place. Study everyday even for just an hour, it help you improve your vocabulary and chances to pass IELTS.

My contract will end in March 2020 and by that I should have passed NCLEX and transfer to another hospital.

 I always plan my future ahead, but things happen unexpectedly, though not all my plans are coming into reality, whatever situation will come to me I will manage.

Adventure with the Echo Team

Our trip to Mount Tralala and how we managed to be fearless in the pursuit of what sets our soul on fire. :D

Woke up so early, without the clear picture in mind where we are heading. We just brought water, food, chips and sunflower seeds. Wala pa nga akong lipstick.

I risked my split ends for this trip that was kind of ruined because of the failure road map and ambiguous road directions. We wasted so much time, we were not able to go to our planned destinations but looking on the brighter side, here we are able to climb a mountain and learned lessons that we can carry through life. 

This was the only decent picture I got with the DSLR kasi parang ako lang marunong gumamit nun at alanganin kasi ang ganda natin kaya limitado lang ang anggulo :D; nonetheless, masaya talaga ang trip na to. Sana in the future, mas free na kaming mamundok kasi alam mo na, you cannot contain yourself into a room or a place forever and expect to learn and discover so many things.

Our planned road trip turned to be just a plain road trip, like mga 80% nasa daan lang kami. Kaya ang hugot namin ay,"Waze ka ba? Pinaikot-ikot mo lang kasi kami." 

I am slouching like crazy! Taken with the bright lights behind us.
Thoughts at this moment: adulting is not easy, you have to deviate to some norms to discover what more the world can offer. Just know your limits and always stand on your ground.

Disclaimer: I cannot freely post things that I want in social media since I am in the Middle East so I'm gonna name things here using 'codes'. I am pretty sure that there is a very slim chance for you to be deployed were I got deployed but this is just to show you that life in the Middle East is not that totally bad.

 Taken inside the mall where I enjoyed a lot of items on sale. Aside from Bundok Tralala, this was the best place I enjoyed the most because the shopaholic was so alive.

P.S. 

This trip was kind of a secret since we are deeply discouraged to go on a long trip but praise God we were able to go home safe and sound and I was also able to buy good things like my bag, Zey and my Lee Cooper shoe. Things I wouldn't be able to buy in the 'Bato Bato Peak'. #

TWENTY SEVEN

Things I've Learned in Life Now That I am 27

1. Work Hard, Pray Harder

---I'm the kind of person who always do her best because she wants to be proud of her own work. But keeping the bar high is not easy and sometimes stressful. There are things in life that are out of our control especially in the medical field. So lift up everything to God and he will lead you every step of the way. Say a little prayer each time you start a task, it will keep you confident. *wink

2. No matter how you feel, get up dress up and show up

---No matter how happy we are with the job that we have, there are times that we feel down. We cannot explain what we feel, just tired, extremely tired sometimes, but as they say, sleeping cannot pay your bills and it will no way boost up your resume so always find your motivation and wake up each day with a smile. You are blessed.

3. Make friends with genuine people, they are good for your heart.

--- As we grow older, we will realise that people just come and go and we cannot keep the ones we love beside us all the time. Having a big circle of friends is nice but sometimes it's not healthy; mostly when you tell your secrets and problems to the wrong people. I used to enjoy the company of large group of people, but now I enjoy being with just the few ones, those that I can only trust. Just in case you're afraid that people will betray you, always keep in mind that what matters most is that you yourself is real. Don't lose your true self. Be honest even when it's not the trend.

4. A bad system will always beat a good person.

---Oftentimes, we get stress at work because of the management and not because of the job itself nor the salary. We breakdown, we curse, we get irritated and upset. If it's no longer healthy for you, leave. You deserve to be happy. No management is perfect in this world but choose what you can tolerate. You matter.

5. You do not need other people's validation. You are enough.

---For once, we want to be acknowledged. Examine yourself clearly and know your talents and limits. It will assure you that you know what you are doing and you are doing it correctly. You are free to ask help from appropriate people, they will help you grow.  Whether they acknowledge you or not shouldn't stress you, do everything to impress your creator not them. 

6. Fall in love while you're young and never be afraid.

---I first fell in love at the age of 16. At that time, I wasn't really sure with my feelings and I was afraid of getting pregnant early (slippery slope, yeah!). I had so many inhibitions and I weighed that my dreams are more important than the one I love. Ten years after, my love grew for that man but he changed his heart and decided to let go of me. I realized that love is rare and it doesn't happen to anyone. Reaching your dreams is important but don't get so obsessed with it that you let other things that can make you happy pass you by. As they said, what is success if you have no one to share it with. At the end of the day, your diploma cannot hug you back. Even with lots of acknowledgment, you will still feel empty when you get home or when you wake up at 3AM. It feels different when you have someone to share your day with or dream with. (wow matured na ako)

After my first heartbreak, I resolved that the next time I will fall in love, I will be true to myself and love without inhibitions, I will fight for him without inhibitions for now I know how painful it is to be unloved (the term tho). I was hurt, but I never had regrets, for now at least it my consolation to myself.

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Paano Mo Malalaman na Nagmamahal Ka

Paano mo malalaman kung ikaw ay in love?

Para sa mga taong utak ang pinaiiral kaysa puso, mga sampung taon pa nila mapagtatanto na nagmamahal nga sila. Yung tipong medyo huli na ang lahat at maraming panahon na ang nasayang at lumipas saka sila magigising sa katotohanan.

Signs and Symptoms

1. Napapanaginipan mo Siya.

Sabi nila, kapag napapanaginipan mo ang isang tao, ang ibig sabihin nun ay iniisip ka niya. Maaaring isang araw, nagising ka nang napanaginipan mo siya, pagbukas mo ng messenger mo, nag message siya sa iyo at nagpadala ng litrato tungkol sa mga life struggles niya, kinaumagahan nakita mo sa timeline niya yung pictures na sinend niya sa iyo kasama yung pictures nila ng girlfriend niya; well, hindi ka naman na inform na may jowa pala siya at bakit pa siya nagkuwento ng mga paghihirap niya sa iyo eh may jowa pala siya, sa sobrang inis mo, sinabi mo sa sarili mo na hindi naman maganda yung jowa niya, maputi lang, pero affected ka at inunfriend mo siya; nagkahugot ka bigla sa lahat ng maputing hindi naman kagandahan kahit wala naman silang ginagawa sa iyo. :D

2. Naaalala Mo Siya sa mga Movies na Napapanood Mo.

Ang Kwento Nating Dalawa
I'm Drunk I Love You
Meet Me St. Gallen

Ilan lang ito sa mga pelikulang umantig sa iyong puso. (Wow. Lalim) Tinamaan ka sa mga hugot movies pero wala ka namang matinong love life. Lalo na iyong mga pelikulang mahal ng kaibigan mo yung taong mahal mo (karibal siya, bes), mahal mo siya at mahal ka niya pero friendzone kayo, mahal ka niya pero hindi ka niya kayang panindigan at ipaglaban, mahal ka niya pero hindi niya naman sinabi, feeling mo lang yun kasi yun ang pinaramdam niya sa iyo (paasa siya, ganun) pero ayaw mong mag assume kaya pinilit mong i deadma na lang (kaya minumulto ka ng damdamin mong pilit mong pinatay), mahal mo siya at mahal ka niya pero the universe did not conspire for the two of you kaya hindi naging kayo (sisihin ang universe)

The Gifted
--- ito yung movie na... (nakakahiya pero all out na 'to) akalain mo umiyak ka sa eroplano nung pinapanood mo 'to kasi sa isip mo kung sana magkakaanak kayo magiging gifted rin yong anak niyo kasi parehas kayong talented plus may mga intellectual conversations pa kayo na kayo lang ang magka wavelength

3. Kapag malungkot ka mahilig kang mag dwell sa mga Hugot Songs tulad ng

Sa Kanya by Sharon Cuneta
Hanggang Ngayon by Kyla
Steep by Laureen Christy
Out of Reach by Gabrielle (Pinaka feel mo)
Hanggang Kailan by Michael Pangilinan

dagdagan pa ng mga OST
Hanggang Dito na Lang by Jimmy Bondoc
Burnout by Sugarfree

Masyado kang overwhelmed sa mga kantang 'to, paulit ulit mong pinakikinggan sa YouTube kasi
gusto mong sinasaktan ang sarili mo.

Pagkatapos ng isang dekada, desidido ka na ng sabihin sa kanya na mahal mo siya kahit di ka sigurado kung saan hahantong iyon. Gusto mo lang palayain ang puso mo dahil baka lang naman that feeling was haunting you because his part in your life story deserved an end. Ahhh... ang sarap magmahal pero ang saket. Kung sana ang pag-ibig parang dugo na pwedi mong i extract at i transfuse sa iba para ibang tao na lang ang mahalin mo. May mga tao kasing alamat, parang ikaw, di marunong magmahal ng iba kahit pa yong ibang taong yon ay kaya kang mahalin ng higit pa sa deserved mo.

5. Malalaman mong mahal mo ang taong iyon kung siya lang ang laging laman ng puso't isip mo. Kung siya lage ang gusto mong pagkwentuhan ng mga masasaya at malulungkot na kabanata ng buhay mo, mga pangarap mo at great milestones mo kahit may jowa ka na o may jowa pa siya, siya pa rin. Siya lang. Kahit hindi ka pa sigurado sa future niyo kapag naging kayo, kahit mas malayo pa ang mararating mo ng wala siya, babalik ka pa rin para sa kanya. Para lang makita siya at msabing minahal mo siya.

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Recall, Day Off and Dealing with the New Staff

I got recalled, not only once but twice. The first was at 6pm when I am supposed to come at 3. When I arrived at the hospital, everything was full of peace and serenity. Then they asked me why I got recalled when there are so many staffs. I said, I don't know about them (the heads). The second, I was supposed to have day off cause I got recalled already, and then my matron came to my room and told me that I'm on duty.  Oh yeah, I can accept recalls but not on times when you least expect them, not in times when you already set your mind to sleep. I was so teary eyed going to the hospital wanted to drop all things I hold and shout to every person I meet because I'm so pissed off but I need to compose myself. Crossing my fingers #thistooshallpass. My male shift in charge thanked me for coming and letting them (the heads) cut my off.

I got my pending off and on the last night duty, one of the heads told me that I am off today cause I am supposed to have nine offs this month and yey I am so happy because no more night duty before my vacation.

These new staffs, yes, I've been there, in there place, adjusting, but in my time, I listened a lot. They are so hard headed I don't want to work with them. When you tell them what to do, they answer you back. The next time were on the same shift, I just want to tell them, no I don't want to work with you right now so just back off.

Why ask questions and ask for help when the answers you found and the help you get don't even register to your "learned corners". Every time, you will ask stupid questions? Young lady, you are amazing. You never learned.

New staffs, I hope your perfectly fine when I come back from vacation, so I could rely on you. Even if your going to leave soon, make sure your doing good in your job and don't put others in jeopardy. You know your seniors and responsible for you too so you better listen to them. We are not perfect, we made mistakes too, we don't want you to make mistakes that we did that is why we're teaching you, but if you do not want to learn, it's your call. It's just that, it's good to work with smart and hardworking people because you get to go home early and the days are just fine.

ISLA JARDIN 2017

Movie Review: Ang Kwento Nating Dalawa (The Story of Us That Never Was)

Guess what??? I've got some extra time so I was able to extract some energy to watch movies these past few days and Indie Films like rom com movies are really getting into my nerves.

Oo na, wala kasi akong ka skype, ka chat or whatever. Apart from my salary and my wee moments, only movies gives me the giddy feeling. And since, I have been through a lot in life (char) I just thought that maybe I should watch the real once, not the typical happy ending so predictable kind of film.

At heto na nga, nanood ako ng Ang Kwento Nating Dalawa (The Story of Us That Never Was)

Spoiler Alert!

It's a story of a cinematographer and a script writer and how there complicated, wrong relationship started and ended.

It was so raw but so real. I didn't grow up in Manila but when I was applying for work abroad, I always ride on trains for faster traspos. The artistic views  LRT were nostalgic it remind of my lost moments while processing my application. You know na, I've C minus in navigation.

Truth is I've got nothing much to say since I'm not really a movie critic. I just find it a vey nice mivie so I decided to post it here.  Luke was handsome and Kate was cute and though they are friends with the main characters they don't cross the lines and they just ramained,there--- listening and supporting their friends no matter what.

photo not mine

 This is  a good watch. That's it. #

Partings Never Easy

So this is my first entry for the year 2018 and the long hiatus is because I am a senior now even though I only worked for two years in this hospital.  My seniors resigned already and only few could become shift in charges and that is why I always work in yellow and red zones, I am becoming a shift in charge more that twice a month and also a narcotic in charge. Apart from that I also had an orientee and I am just so happy that she already finished her evaluation. God bless her and I hope she learned a lot from me.

Writing for me is liberating and it saves my sanity. I am in the verge  of darkness now not just because my menstruation is coming but because my friends are leaving and only the two of us will be left in ER. The new staffs have their own life that I think I can't be friends with them as much as I became a friend to fresh gurls.

So yeah, the other day they had farewell party and whe it was time for my friends to speak, I just cried. I was kind of ashamed that I was so emotional at that time but I just can't help it. I cannot imagine myself attending the meetings without someone who will remind me. I now have to check my own schedules and duty changes. I always look forward for the day that we'd work together so I have someone to walk to the hospital and go home with. You know they are you're friends so they will help you when your job is not yet finished, they will give you food if your hungry, and they will cheer you up when you're sad or lonely. They are the ones you could share your rants and raves with. They are annoyed sometimes but they will just listen to you because they love you. haha. Amazing that's just how love works.

Actually I don't want them to go because I still need someone to eat ice cream with, shop with and sing videoke with, vent my stress onto. I have learned a lot from BLS, ACLS and PALS training because of them. They are very hardworking as much as smart. Now that I need to renew my licenses I need to do it alone in a mature way. mature way? haha. Kakaiyak sobra. I will miss us but it's time to go.

All I can say is that, thank you for the memories, for the deepest friendships, for the kindest thoughts. You'll be forever in my heart, FRESH GURLS.

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The Flash

Working in ER is like working in the fast food chain. The doctor gives you orders and carry it out by preparing them and delivering them to the patients in  a flash. Just lie how are you gonna attend 7 patients at the same time? You gonna need more that 8 hands to do so, perhaps. Is there any place you can recommend to be trained as nurse hokage? Nevertheless, ER is still my favorite department.

Nagmahal Ka Kasi, Tanga!

Para sa lahat ng nagmahal at umasa. Nagpakatanga. Parang ako. Hayy naku. 

Salamat talaga sa movie na 'to. Marami akong na- realize. Nag mature na talaga ako. Yahooo. Nay, matured na ako. 

photo not mine

Masakit, ang saket saket, ang saket pala. Na- realize ko, hindi man kami naging ganun ka magbestfriend, hindi man kami naging ganun mag-inuman pero ako pa rin yung kinailangan niya para i reaffrirm yung mga decisions niya, taga enroll, tagasama sa check-up, taga kuha ng honorable dismissal pagkatapos niya akong iwanan sa university. Bakla, hindi niya talaga ako mahal. Bat ba ako umasa. Pero kahit wala na talaga, gusto ko pa rin siyang makita. Kahit huli na please, kahit isang yakap man lang. Kahit isang ngiti man lang. Kahit papano malaman niya na hinintay ko siya. Hindi ko talaga kayang maging kasing tapang ni Carson. Di ko naman na siguro kelangan magtapat. Obvious naman na kasi. Mabuti na ang din yung di niya malaman mula sa akin. Bakit kasi ganun, nung sabi niya na gutso niya ako, hindi pa ako handa. Ngayong handa na ako, may mahal na siyang iba. Am I not worth waiting for? Hindi nga talaga, kaya di narin ako maghihintay. Ang saket, Bes, yung hindi ka mahal ng taong mahal mo. Ang masaket pa di niya naman alam na mahal mo siya, at di rin niya alam na hinihintay mo siya. Wag na tayong umasa. Andami ng luha. Jusko Dai, bakit kasi may tao namang nagmamahal saken hindi ko naman siya mahal. Sana wag na akong maging mapuso sa susunod. Pwedi naman ng magboypren ng marami. Total matanda na ako. Sana wag akong tamarin sa kakahanap. Ayoko ko kayang tumandang mag-isa. Hindi ako dapat mabuhay ng miserable porket wala siya. 

O di ba, akala mo kung sino akong matalino at matapang pero sa pag-ibig wala naman. Eh, wala eh, tanga talaga. Masarap sana magmahal pero masaket. Minsan it's not worth the pain and the tears. Gusto ko ng magmahal ulet. Tataningan ko na ang matres ko kasi lage akong nasa CT scan at Xray. Sayang naman no, hindi man ako kagandahan, matalino naman ako. In my own right. Charot. Cge na pagbigyan. Sana may magmana ng character ko, I want to see my mini me, the boy me, the girl me. And I will tell her or him, make the best of what you have and never be afraid. Always pray. God is with you.

Photos not mine

 This movie really touched my soul. Ang saket pero truth slaps talaga. Hopeless romantic lang, pero salamat talaga sa movie na 'to. Sana marami pa nito. Yung totoo lang, para sa mga totoong tao. Yung hindi kailangang ipilit na masaya ang ending kasi may mga tao ring na hindi naniniwala sa fairytale, tulad ko.

Ikaw kamusta puso mo? Masaya na ba?

P.S. Ang gwapo mo, Paolo Avelino #

Tired

3/12/17
Pagod na ako, gutom, gusto ko lang matulog. Hindi ko alam pero my brain doesn't work anymre, perhaps, this is the price I shoud pay for trying to push myself to the limits in order to reach my goal. Please God, help me find the right way. Amen

Second Nanay Duties

Nanay duties= Charge Nurse Duties

I can survive my nanay duties as long as he is there, my ultimate vitamin see. 

 I was standing at the nurse's station doing some paper works and he was in the male resuscitation room asking me something. I didn't understand what he was saying 'coz I didn't give him my full attention. He walked down near and looked at me straight into my eyes, for a moment I was stunned. He asked me where I admitted the patient. Then I answered him that I admitted the patient in the obesity unit. He was a bit disappointed (I know coz Obesity Unit is very far). I told in there's no more bed in the surgical wards and the supervisor doesn't want to admit the patient in S2. He got what I mean and then he left.

It was the first time I looked straight into his eyes that long. Usually we talk to each other without even looking at each other coz we're busy doing each others' task. I don't know if it's about the culture or I just got used to it. For it is only to him where I got some feeling of crush.

He returned to ER to fill uo some forms. I was in the desktop registering some patient's. He was standing in front of me in the station he seemed so relaxed asking Dr. Jabi how he was doing, they were having some fun talking at each other. I was busy doing something (coz I'm Nanay) so I left them. My peripheral vision works whenever he is around even if I am busy, you know. So when I left the place, I saw him looking at me leaving. Sometimes, I also want to convince myself that yes, he wants to look at me, too. But sometimes, I wake up to the reality that, how can he like somebody with swollen eyes.

It's up for him to presume what I feel for him, but at least he will not know from my own words that I like him much. By that, I can look at him secretly and enjoy my fantasy. He's GGSS, gwapong gwapos sa sarili kahit walang ligo. Sabi pa nila, yung mabahong residente. Yayks, kakahiya naman crush ko pa naman yun. Siguro yun lang yun kaya tinitingnan niya rin ako minsan. Assuming naman ako di na ak masanay eh malandi nman talaga yan sila sa mga staff

I hope in my next  nanay duties he will still be there. Kahit hindi niya alam ang pangalan ko okay lang. Makita ko lang siya solved na araw ko. #

Hello, February!

It's 8th of February and tomorrow I'm off duty so I have time to write and express my thoughts. In a few more days, Valentine's Day will come and it's my 25th year of celebrating it without a Valentino. Harhar. Is it an issue? Actually it's not, but for me who's in a marrying age, its a reminder that I should make my love life a priority, after all I can earn money later in my life but marriage is a different story.

I am just praying that,  someday, I will find the man who will make me happy. Actually, I have a very deep (deep???) crush on someone right now. He really makes me feel so giddy. Ouch.. Here I am again, I get demoralized. Just typing this words already makes me smile. Aww... I'm head over heels in crush with him. So here's our story... my story I mean...

I had a bad impression when I first saw him, he was so sarcastic and I felt that he's insulting me. I was new back then, maybe, I said something stupid but I was really hurt that time. He was still assigned in our department and everyday I got chance to see him and talk to him but since I was newbie and I don't know how to speak their language I was always at the corner feeling lost and stupid just like the way I always am when I am still adjusting to a new environment.

Months later, I've noticed that though he looks so strong and brave on the outside, he's really kind and calm on the inside and for me it's like, "wow" he's so cool. I assisted him in one of his procedures and I'm sorry but I really don't find him smart. Aww as if I really know things but I found him really wrong at that moment and okay move on. Then a day came when most of the cases was for him to handle, some staffs were busy and for the entire shift were like partners in all of his procedure and I was so stupid I almost splashed the povidone iodine in his face but he didn't get mad at  me. I was just---oh-em-g--- I'm sorry I really don't know how to do this please wait and bear with me and he was also patiently waiting for me to prepare things for him.

I was in an outgoing shift that time and there was still one patient, since he's in 24 hours duty he was still the one who handle the case, I want to endorse it because I want to finish my notes already but my workmates were busy chit chatting that time and he asked me if am I going home but still interested to the case. I want to tell him that I am more interested to the one who's doing the case but I didn't. He swept me off my feet that time that I kept on dreaming about him...

Gosh.., this seems to be a flashback of my high school experience. I am a diligent student but my high school crush was a not so smart guy in section F who's a chain smoker. That guy knew later in life that I had a crush on him so he's making pa cute to me but I didn't want to get associated with him so I kept my distance. Maybe, if he became my boyfriend my life has changed. Up until now he's friends are telling what's happening to him but I'm no longer interested. Anyways, going back to my new crush...

After so many days that for me are already a thousand years, I saw him this morning. OMG!!!!aw... just a glimpse of him already made my day. He's effect on me is more that a high dose of caffeine, goodness!

In my dreams (i made a story) that we became husband and wife (see how crazy i am?) but the struggle is where we settled later in life for he's not of the same country as me, he had different faith, he's culture is different. Our children were as smart as me (itaas ko na sariling kong bangko bleh) but were as good looking as him but since he's culture is different, our children must abide to his "social rules" but when it comes to school I'll be the one to decide. It was a bitter sweet story but it was nice. Actually I can make a book of it but no need, chakks, maybe I'm in love already.  I don't know where this feeling will bring me. What I know is that I'm happy so just let me be- happy.

Even if he doesn't notice me, it's okay; I will be more glad looking at his face carelessly while he's doing a procedure. And yes, he's a doctor, a surgeon, a tall and white man who's not too smart but so kind. I'm sorry for telling he's not so smart but he just didn't reach my expectation of a doctor 'coz in our country doctors are great even if they are just residents. All I just to say to him is that "hope you stay the same, Loves". #

P.S.
Here's a pic of a fan girl who's head over heels in crush with someone. CT Sherryl

Randomly--- will update in time

it's been a long time since the last blog. i'm sorry for that.

anyways, it's been 10 months and i realised i've grown a lot. after all those learn-in-the-hardest-way eperinces, after all the cries and sleepless nights, all i want is to be at peace and happy. so here are my resolutions for 2017.

1.focus on the now. live at at the moment. you only live once

2.. i came here to learn. i'll just consider this as post graduate interneship. i'm gonna beat my own record, eat healthy, do exercise and keep in mind that i don't have to be always with somebody to reach my goal. after all, when i was in high school i was the only one working hard for all my dreams. future? leave it to God.

3. It's okay if the won't notice me. If the don't know me, the better. I will leave this pace without a trace.

4. Hopefully, I can pursue my post graduate degree next year and save a lot for the future... house and lot, farmland, moving to Germany, Japan or Australia

5. I want to be a better versio of myself, the more positive, if they got angry with me, if they scold me, if they shout at me, i should move n easily just like i don't care, they don't know me anyway, they dont know about my past, they dont deserve to know my story. everything I do, I do it for God.

6.Wishing for more hardworking me, more energetic me. I hope I'l be able to accept changes easily, work as a nurse by heart even it's no easy, I should acept the fact that I'm a NURSE

7. I didn't choose nursing, nursing chose me and I am trapped and just like my father said, since I am an honor student, I must be honorable. I should put heart in my labor and actions and I will never get tired.

8.. Won't aim for their compliments, I had it all in the past, it is time to pay it forward.

i write less when i'm happy. i'm too busy being happy that i don't have much time to document how happy i am. perhaps, i't's because i'm rarely happy? i mean, who could ever be happy in a workplace full of self made divas and old hags who think they are always right? they will criticize you to the point you wish you can disappear so fast just to get rid of their annoying voice. oh lupa, lamunin mo ako now na please

make-up should't be obvious- like how can it be possible???
laughing and smiling not allowed- ehhh? should i look upset or constipated all the time? my client                                                               would get sick even more
you should wait for them to finish their work before going home but if they finish first they will go home first cos they are SENIOR and ur a loser-KKKkkKKKKKkkkkKKK

i am not the only one feeling this but when talked with someone who worked before in the same department as i am, she compared her situation before to or situation now and she was saying that we just complains much when in fact in their time it was more difficult. i don't know if her oinion is valid since most of my senior are saying the opposite. that they happier before that now. that it was easier before than now. nevertheless, i still want to take her statement as an advice that i am looking more on the darker side than on the bright side. if i will see things in  different perspective, maybe i can see better. maybe, i can be more positive and happier.

there's this one person in Malaysia that i follow on Facebook and I am very grateful because in this place where it's difficult to find happiness, she's the one who inspires me to keep moving.

watch

 Xandria Ooi

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