Tired

3/12/17
Pagod na ako, gutom, gusto ko lang matulog. Hindi ko alam pero my brain doesn't work anymre, perhaps, this is the price I shoud pay for trying to push myself to the limits in order to reach my goal. Please God, help me find the right way. Amen

Second Nanay Duties

Nanay duties= Charge Nurse Duties

I can survive my nanay duties as long as he is there, my ultimate vitamin see. 

 I was standing at the nurse's station doing some paper works and he was in the male resuscitation room asking me something. I didn't understand what he was saying 'coz I didn't give him my full attention. He walked down near and looked at me straight into my eyes, for a moment I was stunned. He asked me where I admitted the patient. Then I answered him that I admitted the patient in the obesity unit. He was a bit disappointed (I know coz Obesity Unit is very far). I told in there's no more bed in the surgical wards and the supervisor doesn't want to admit the patient in S2. He got what I mean and then he left.

It was the first time I looked straight into his eyes that long. Usually we talk to each other without even looking at each other coz we're busy doing each others' task. I don't know if it's about the culture or I just got used to it. For it is only to him where I got some feeling of crush.

He returned to ER to fill uo some forms. I was in the desktop registering some patient's. He was standing in front of me in the station he seemed so relaxed asking Dr. Jabi how he was doing, they were having some fun talking at each other. I was busy doing something (coz I'm Nanay) so I left them. My peripheral vision works whenever he is around even if I am busy, you know. So when I left the place, I saw him looking at me leaving. Sometimes, I also want to convince myself that yes, he wants to look at me, too. But sometimes, I wake up to the reality that, how can he like somebody with swollen eyes.

It's up for him to presume what I feel for him, but at least he will not know from my own words that I like him much. By that, I can look at him secretly and enjoy my fantasy. He's GGSS, gwapong gwapos sa sarili kahit walang ligo. Sabi pa nila, yung mabahong residente. Yayks, kakahiya naman crush ko pa naman yun. Siguro yun lang yun kaya tinitingnan niya rin ako minsan. Assuming naman ako di na ak masanay eh malandi nman talaga yan sila sa mga staff

I hope in my next  nanay duties he will still be there. Kahit hindi niya alam ang pangalan ko okay lang. Makita ko lang siya solved na araw ko. #

Hello, February!

It's 8th of February and tomorrow I'm off duty so I have time to write and express my thoughts. In a few more days, Valentine's Day will come and it's my 25th year of celebrating it without a Valentino. Harhar. Is it an issue? Actually it's not, but for me who's in a marrying age, its a reminder that I should make my love life a priority, after all I can earn money later in my life but marriage is a different story.

I am just praying that,  someday, I will find the man who will make me happy. Actually, I have a very deep (deep???) crush on someone right now. He really makes me feel so giddy. Ouch.. Here I am again, I get demoralized. Just typing this words already makes me smile. Aww... I'm head over heels in crush with him. So here's our story... my story I mean...

I had a bad impression when I first saw him, he was so sarcastic and I felt that he's insulting me. I was new back then, maybe, I said something stupid but I was really hurt that time. He was still assigned in our department and everyday I got chance to see him and talk to him but since I was newbie and I don't know how to speak their language I was always at the corner feeling lost and stupid just like the way I always am when I am still adjusting to a new environment.

Months later, I've noticed that though he looks so strong and brave on the outside, he's really kind and calm on the inside and for me it's like, "wow" he's so cool. I assisted him in one of his procedures and I'm sorry but I really don't find him smart. Aww as if I really know things but I found him really wrong at that moment and okay move on. Then a day came when most of the cases was for him to handle, some staffs were busy and for the entire shift were like partners in all of his procedure and I was so stupid I almost splashed the povidone iodine in his face but he didn't get mad at  me. I was just---oh-em-g--- I'm sorry I really don't know how to do this please wait and bear with me and he was also patiently waiting for me to prepare things for him.

I was in an outgoing shift that time and there was still one patient, since he's in 24 hours duty he was still the one who handle the case, I want to endorse it because I want to finish my notes already but my workmates were busy chit chatting that time and he asked me if am I going home but still interested to the case. I want to tell him that I am more interested to the one who's doing the case but I didn't. He swept me off my feet that time that I kept on dreaming about him...

Gosh.., this seems to be a flashback of my high school experience. I am a diligent student but my high school crush was a not so smart guy in section F who's a chain smoker. That guy knew later in life that I had a crush on him so he's making pa cute to me but I didn't want to get associated with him so I kept my distance. Maybe, if he became my boyfriend my life has changed. Up until now he's friends are telling what's happening to him but I'm no longer interested. Anyways, going back to my new crush...

After so many days that for me are already a thousand years, I saw him this morning. OMG!!!!aw... just a glimpse of him already made my day. He's effect on me is more that a high dose of caffeine, goodness!

In my dreams (i made a story) that we became husband and wife (see how crazy i am?) but the struggle is where we settled later in life for he's not of the same country as me, he had different faith, he's culture is different. Our children were as smart as me (itaas ko na sariling kong bangko bleh) but were as good looking as him but since he's culture is different, our children must abide to his "social rules" but when it comes to school I'll be the one to decide. It was a bitter sweet story but it was nice. Actually I can make a book of it but no need, chakks, maybe I'm in love already.  I don't know where this feeling will bring me. What I know is that I'm happy so just let me be- happy.

Even if he doesn't notice me, it's okay; I will be more glad looking at his face carelessly while he's doing a procedure. And yes, he's a doctor, a surgeon, a tall and white man who's not too smart but so kind. I'm sorry for telling he's not so smart but he just didn't reach my expectation of a doctor 'coz in our country doctors are great even if they are just residents. All I just to say to him is that "hope you stay the same, Loves". #

P.S.
Here's a pic of a fan girl who's head over heels in crush with someone. CT Sherryl

Randomly--- will update in time

it's been a long time since the last blog. i'm sorry for that.

anyways, it's been 10 months and i realised i've grown a lot. after all those learn-in-the-hardest-way eperinces, after all the cries and sleepless nights, all i want is to be at peace and happy. so here are my resolutions for 2017.

1.focus on the now. live at at the moment. you only live once

2.. i came here to learn. i'll just consider this as post graduate interneship. i'm gonna beat my own record, eat healthy, do exercise and keep in mind that i don't have to be always with somebody to reach my goal. after all, when i was in high school i was the only one working hard for all my dreams. future? leave it to God.

3. It's okay if the won't notice me. If the don't know me, the better. I will leave this pace without a trace.

4. Hopefully, I can pursue my post graduate degree next year and save a lot for the future... house and lot, farmland, moving to Germany, Japan or Australia

5. I want to be a better versio of myself, the more positive, if they got angry with me, if they scold me, if they shout at me, i should move n easily just like i don't care, they don't know me anyway, they dont know about my past, they dont deserve to know my story. everything I do, I do it for God.

6.Wishing for more hardworking me, more energetic me. I hope I'l be able to accept changes easily, work as a nurse by heart even it's no easy, I should acept the fact that I'm a NURSE

7. I didn't choose nursing, nursing chose me and I am trapped and just like my father said, since I am an honor student, I must be honorable. I should put heart in my labor and actions and I will never get tired.

8.. Won't aim for their compliments, I had it all in the past, it is time to pay it forward.

i write less when i'm happy. i'm too busy being happy that i don't have much time to document how happy i am. perhaps, i't's because i'm rarely happy? i mean, who could ever be happy in a workplace full of self made divas and old hags who think they are always right? they will criticize you to the point you wish you can disappear so fast just to get rid of their annoying voice. oh lupa, lamunin mo ako now na please

make-up should't be obvious- like how can it be possible???
laughing and smiling not allowed- ehhh? should i look upset or constipated all the time? my client                                                               would get sick even more
you should wait for them to finish their work before going home but if they finish first they will go home first cos they are SENIOR and ur a loser-KKKkkKKKKKkkkkKKK

i am not the only one feeling this but when talked with someone who worked before in the same department as i am, she compared her situation before to or situation now and she was saying that we just complains much when in fact in their time it was more difficult. i don't know if her oinion is valid since most of my senior are saying the opposite. that they happier before that now. that it was easier before than now. nevertheless, i still want to take her statement as an advice that i am looking more on the darker side than on the bright side. if i will see things in  different perspective, maybe i can see better. maybe, i can be more positive and happier.

there's this one person in Malaysia that i follow on Facebook and I am very grateful because in this place where it's difficult to find happiness, she's the one who inspires me to keep moving.

watch

 Xandria Ooi

#

New Toy

Canon 700D

I bought a new camera as a gift to myself for my 25th birthday!!! Yey!! I feel so rewarded. Now, I am watching Youtube to know how to use it because actually I am such a horrible photographer.

When I was in high school I frequently attend workshops on journalism and it included photojournalism. At that time, my focus was on news writing, editorial writing and news writing. I didn't know that 4 years later, Instagram and blogging will be a breakthrough for the millenials. You can even earn money from it. At some point in my life, I also want to create a blog that would be viewed and appreciated by the many. I know that being a writer isn't a stable career so I didn't get a degree in communication.  Plus, I don't have a very good grammar. But since writing is very close to my heart,
I will never stop. Who knows, I have a future in this.

I just have a very limited opportunity to practice my photography skills since I am in a very strict country which does not allow documenting the dark side of the society.

Anyway, I am excited and I hope I can become a good photographer.

We also went to McDonalds today. It's my first time and I was so happy. It was like... uggghhh. F R E E D O M!!!!. It's a bit far from where we live and I like it since I have not been out and about for a long time.Before, I usually travel out of town even just once every three months and I miss the feeling of a long joyride, watching the view over the window. Even just riding the bus makes me sentimental and I got a chance to reminisce good things. Travelling makes me more positive.

Their McDonalds have cubicles with a very cute interior and when you go inside of it, you close the curtain after having your orders since females should be like "hidden". I appreciate it but I miss and like more the open, a bit noisy and coffee smelly branch in McDonalds, Koronadal.  It feels more homey and nice to see families eating, friends talking over coffee, students writing reports, office people making reports late at night... I miss Philippines so much...

 When I got home in our flat... I was like... it's so expensive to have "me"time. harhar. But it's freedom and happiness at stake so I'm willing to invest.*wink*

Hope you're having a wonderful day.

#

growing up, i realized that it is easier to pass a written exam than finding one great love.

 if you're fortunate enough, you might have found him but you let him go coz you believe that it's not yet the time. that he's not your priority so you let him go and believe that if you're really meant to be, you'll end up together anyway. at the end, you realized that serendipity isn't always true to everyone. that it's not always about destiny. that if you decide to be with that one person, you must be willing to endure all the hurts and pains (so plural, huh!).

i've waited for so long. like it's been five years we've never seen each other. now, he's already happy with someone else. and i decided that i will not wait again for him. he might be the one who got away but it's okay. i'll get over anyway.

what's most important is, the bank texted me that my salary is in!!!!!