No Boyfriend Since Birth

        I am a twenty year-old NBSB . Until now I’m still single. Sometimes, it’s lonesome to have no one to regularly text you a good morning. It’s lonely when no one gives you flowers and make up surprises but it’s okay as long as you don’t engaged in a “just for fun relationship” that in the end will just make you broken.

Sometimes I’m trying to figure out how significant it is to love and be hurt than not to love at all. Can anyone tell me?

        People have lots of different reasons why they don’t engage in a relationship I have also mine. When I was young, I was really focused on my studies. I became more fond of participating in school activities and competing in many other places. I excel in academics and most guys that I like are the people I see and mingle in those competition.   I don’t easily admire guys who are good looking. For me, a guy must at least be mysterious and fun to be with but what really turns me on is when a guy is smart, witty and knows how to deal with various situations.

        In school, there were lots of people who admire me too but I don’t entertain them. I see that they will just be a hindrance to my dream of becoming the best in school. In high school I was so conservative. I deal with boys but don’t get closer to them. I was so afraid that I might fall to one of them and then it will be talked about in campus. I really don’t want to be teased. It makes me uncomfortable whether I like the guy or not. I don’t easily show feelings too. If I admire the person I just keep it inside me but when time comes that the guy I like comes near me and try to court I get rid of him. I feel that he may be is just taking advantage of my feelings for him and if I fall for him he will just hurt me. I was really thinking that when I fall in love I want it to be now and forever, that my first boyfriend should be my future husband. I was so positive that true love exists even at first relationship.

        Now, I’m already a grown up and I realized that it wasn’t easy to find true love. Sometimes the wait seems so long. And sometimes you also have an apprehension that what if you’re already 29 years old and still single? How would you bear a child then? It would be a great risk for the mother to get pregnant at the age more than 30 years old. Sometimes they say, you should not just wait, you should also look for means. Maybe, the one you love is just around you.

(Sighs)

        Sometimes, it’s so complicated. Why some things are really have to happen even if they hurt. Sometimes, a minute won’t pass without you thinking about him but you didn’t sink in even once in his mind. You really like him and sometimes love him that you can’t help dreaming about him every night while you don’t even know if he is also thinking of you before he go to sleep or if he is thinking of someone else. You search his name on facebook and when you hadn’t found it you ask your common friend. You requested to add him as a friend and when you became friends on line you always initiate a talk for you to chat together. Every time you open your account you always check if he’s online, if not you look at his wall. Sad to say, he is a very private person and even once he didn’t post anything about what’s on his mind. Every time you go outside your house, you are looking at their front gate praying that he might come out. Every time you go at the store you look around hoping that you might see him. Unfortunately, he’s the kind of person who doesn’t like to stroll and walk around. Now, because of that behavior you can no longer focus on your paper works. When you go to bed or when you’re alone all you want to do is thinking about him.

        Tsk tsk, why does this thing have to happen? The person you love most doesn’t care even a little bit for you but the person who loves you most doesn’t have any space in your heart… tsk tsk… Oh! LOVE so tragic.

        In my case, I’m so afraid to fall in love. I have priorities in life but right now I feel so terrified. I don’t know what to do. I don’t understand what I feel. Is this just a simple crush or something else? I just wish I can manage and control this because it’s not healthy anymore. All I wish is that, if that person I really like most doesn’t really feel anything special for me, hope I’ll just forget the feeling. Because if not I’ll just get hurt. But if he’s my one true love, hope we’ll be together and I pray that I’ll be stronger. #

Please leave a comment.